a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
