He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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