I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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