I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
