A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
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the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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