my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He passed out mid-signature
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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