I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
