saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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