i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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