I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
