She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
