There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
