i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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