he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
