i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
