Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
