god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
