he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
