a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
