I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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