I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
