capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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