I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.