I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail