ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's not a walk of shame if you run