Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
