when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I smell stomach acid.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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