im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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