I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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