i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
