i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
