just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize