just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
