3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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