I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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