i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
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Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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