____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
