Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
