i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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