Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
