I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
