girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
