It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
