I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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