Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
