Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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