we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
