Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
