I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
