i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
