I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
