I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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