my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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