naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
