My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
