just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
