Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Your penis caused this!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
